Who is Meursault?

This is my second time reading The Stranger, and I still wonder about Meursault's character.

In some ways, I feel like I can identify with Meursault. I remember feeling a connection when I read the first few pages originally, at this depiction of grief that wasn't full of sobbing and screaming but a detachment, a numbness that was closer to my own emotion when my dad died. I couldn't bear the real extent of my emotions and so I tried to pretend that they didn't exist.

Inside it was all I could think about. The thing I was most afraid of in the world had happened. The person who loved me more than anyone, who was so proud of me, was suddenly gone. This nameless pain filled every corner of my body and I could feel it in everything I did, but I couldn't bring myself to express it. If someone else even mentioned him, I was seized with a terrible panic my mind immediately scrambled desperately to suppress.

I wanted to cry, more than anything, but I couldn't no matter how hard I tried. I was afraid that if I let myself feel, I would never return from my grief. I was afraid to think of it and yet at the same time it was already always there, following me. In attempting to escape it, all it did was consume me. The memory of him collapsing on the kitchen floor, gasping for breath, moments after I had hugged him for the last time, played endlessly in my head. Whenever I saw or heard an ambulance my heart would start pounding. But I just kept pushing it back.

Ultimately, I can't completely relate to Meursault. I do think that his detachment comes from repressing his feelings, not lack of emotion; that he does love his mother, but that he can't allow himself to feel his true grief. He states several times that "It's not [his] fault," showing that he is defensive, that he feels guilty about their relationship and that he thinks he could have done better. As he hears Salamano crying over the loss of his dog, he says, "For some reason I thought of Maman. But I had to get up early the next morning," implying to me not that he doesn't care, but that it's too painful for him to continue thinking about her and thus he has to make up an excuse to prevent himself from going further.

However, it also seems like Meursault's detachment stems from somewhere deeper. The way he speaks about his life, it appears that he has seen the world in this listless way long before the death of his mother, though it may have amplified it. He is primarily an observer, he presents vivid pictures of others' words and movement -- but the only times he describes someone with an emotion rather than detailing their actions, it is vague and childlike: "[Marie] looked sad." It seems like something must have happened in his life that impaired his perception of feelings, both others and his own.

At times, his responses to situations are even bizarre. "So we took our time getting back, [Raymond] telling me how glad he was that he'd been able to give the woman what she deserved. I found him very friendly with me and I thought it was a nice moment," Meursault says. He has no problem with Raymond beating and abusing his girlfriend. He is even supportive, agreeing to be a witness and state that Raymond's girlfriend was unfaithful though neither of them have any real proof whatsoever (and as if, even if they did, this would excuse the abuse).

He seems to have no real empathy whatsoever, for Raymond's girlfriend, Marie, Salamano, or anyone else. I can't imagine being totally unaffected by the emotions of others, especially to the point of condoning abuse. Meursault simply goes along with Raymond's suggestions, simply because he has "no reason not to please him," seemingly believing that his actions don't matter one way or another. Love is similarly apathetic in his eyes, judging from his conversations with Marie.

Who is Meursault? I don't think he even knows himself.